Tantrum or Meltdown?

            Many of us have witnessed tantrums either in other people’s kids or, most often, in our children. I’ve even witnessed them in adults who ought to know better (ie: road rage). I must confess, I’ve had a few tantrums of my own. Not lying down on the floor, kicking and crying so I can get my way. But bouts of uncontrolled anger, where my emotions take over my mind and my will so that I am ready to scream or kick the wall. Thankfully, those episodes are rare and getting rarer as I mature and grow in my walk with Christ.

            What about meltdowns? Is that just a newer term used to replace the traditional term “tantrum?” Are meltdowns and tantrums different? How do they manifest themselves?

            Many people on the autism spectrum have difficulty with change and are easily upset when life doesn’t run as smoothly as they would like. Just this morning, my son Benjamin was looking for a Lego he’d been playing with, earlier that day. As he searched for the missing item, his emotional thermometer kept rising and rising until he was ranting and raving that his twin brother must have taken it, his life was terrible and he’d probably never find it again. He was on the verge of tears and I was on the verge of pulling my hair out. I had to send him to his room to calm down, then his brother and I searched for the missing item. It took me all of half a minute to find it (I do believe God gave mothers a radar in their brains to find mislaid items because I always seem to find in less than one minute what ‘my guys’ – 1 husband and 3 sons – swear is gone and can’t be found!). Then I talked with Benjamin about not blaming his brother so quickly and asked him to go and apologize to his twin.

            Meltdown or tantrum? Both involve:

• ·         Frustration
• ·         Loss of control
• ·         Lashing out verbally or physically (sometimes both)

It is not always easy to differentiate between a meltdown and a tantrum when your child is in the middle of kicking or screaming. The first reaction should be to ensure your child is safe by holding him/her or guiding them to a ‘safe’ place where they can’t harm themselves, someone or something so that they can cool down and regain control of their body and emotions.

Then it’s time to determine what caused the action or reaction.

·         Was it a deliberate action to get what they wanted? Was it caused by a desire or aimed at getting something they might not get otherwise? This would be typical of a tantrum. I want it, therefore I will do whatever it takes to get it.

·         A meltdown, on the other hand, is most often a reaction to something or someone that causes them to feel scared or overwhelmed. Emily Colson describes it well in her book “Dancing with Max” (Zondervan, 2010), when she says that “ordinary life comes at him like a 747.” Can you imagine the anguish going on inside of him? For my son, it can be something as simple as not being able to locate a toy he wants to play with. As the frustration mounts, so does his perception of doom. I can’t find it. I can’t find it. Where is it? I can’t find it. What if I never find it? How can I play this game without it? What if something happened to this toy? How will I be able to play this game without this particular item? I still can’t find it… Get the idea? To me, it’s a bit like driving around in the dark, lost and without a map or GPS to guide me. Am I lost, will I ever find my way, will I run out of gas and be stranded in the dark? It takes something- such as an intervention- putting a halt to the event (ie: finding the Lego) or someone-such as a parent or teacher-taking control and removing the child from the event or situation until they have calmed down.

Tantrum or meltdown? Both are cause for concern. Both need the parents’ attention and intervention. Both are behaviors that need teaching and training from parents, teachers and sometimes therapists. What is your child trying to tell you when he/she throws a fit? Is he/she trying to get his/her way? Or is he/she trying to tell you that he/she feels overwhelmed and needs you, Mom or Dad, to take control and help them fix the situation?

With careful nurturing, discipline, a plan of action, talking about the situation (after your child has calmed down) and teaching your child how to behave and/or cope, along with maturity, you should see fewer and fewer of these types of behavior. 

It’s your responsibility, mom and dad, to take action. Either yourself or with the help of a professional. 

If this article was helpful to you, please let me know by responding at the bottom of this post. I would love to hear your thoughts, input, reactions, etc.