Raising confident kids in a Charlie Brown world

            “I got five pieces of candy.”

            “I got a chocolate bar.”

            “I got a quarter.”

“I got a rock.”

            Remember those famous lines from “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”? While all the other kids receive candy and money, Charlie Brown gets a rock. Not just once, or twice, but at each and every house.

            The whole premise of this cartoon is that some of us tend to get all the ‘bad luck’ in life. It’s almost as though we have a permanent black cloud hovering over our heads. Even those fun events we would normally enjoy are marred by misfortune.

            Sometimes I wonder if there isn’t a bit of truth in it. While I do not believe in luck, good or bad, I do believe some of us tend to get a bit rougher ride than others. Some attribute it to bad karma, the stars misaligned or crossing paths with a black cat on Friday the 13^th.

            Hogwash, you say. I’d have to agree. Matthew 5:45 tells us “He (God) causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous.” In other words, we all enjoy times of blessing and periods of drought.

            Yet I cannot deny that some of us appear to suffer difficulties and hardships much more than others. Is it of our own making, the results of bad choices? Sometimes. But not always.

Take my twins, for example. Both of them came home with Redbud saplings they received at school. We planted both of them in our front yard; same soil, same sun, same water, same care. One thrived, one died. Both boys received the same electronic toy for Christmas. One worked, the other didn’t.

            What do you tell the child who constantly experiences hardship and disappointment? How do you raise a confident kid when life itself seems pitted against him?

            Here are five practical suggestions I have used with my sons:

1.      Assure your child that ‘life’ does not define who he is.

Just as a bad grade does not mean you are a failure, so do ‘bad things’ happen to all of us (Matthew 5:45). Misfortune does not mean that you are a bad person. But your perception of these unhappy events can shape your view of life. Unfortunate situations tend to breed a spirit of bitterness or resentment. By training our children to see beyond the temporal (their situation) and focusing on the substantial (their character), then we are able to build up their character and self-confidence.

Let me give you an example. When my son came home from school heartbroken because his classmates received several awards at the end of 5^th grade (even his twin brother who has Asperger’s got many more than him) and he only got one, I was sympathetic and compassionate, crying right alongside him (can a mother not cry when she sees her own child crying?). Later, I reminded him of all his accomplishments: he completed 5^th grade despite his learning challenges, read all the required books, achieved the honor roll and grew as an individual. Then I focused on the wonderful qualities he possesses such as kindness, compassion and thoughtfulness (i.e.: he’s the first to ask if I’m okay if I’m resting in bed and offer to make me a cup of tea). To me, those assets are so much more important in the long run than any paper award his teacher might have given everyone else.

2.      Remind your child of his talents and abilities.

What God values are not the external things (looks, strength, grades…), but the heart. “People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16: 7). D.L. Moody once said “character is what you are in the dark.”

Remind your child of those talents and abilities God has bestowed upon him.  Help him develop true character, based not on occurrences but upon godly perspective and appropriate response to those incidents. Remind him daily of his good traits and stress those positive behaviors rather than dwelling on the bad.

3.      Provide your child with godly heroes

Television and social media provide us with plenty of bad role models. Superheroes who attack their opponents physically and verbally, whose response to bad dealings causes them to “hulk-out”. What is your child’s superhero teaching him about reacting to those Charlie Brown moments?

We, as Christian parents, need to be role models ourselves by responding in a Christ-like way to those bumps in the road. It’s a very hard challenge and one I personally struggle with (especially when I’m behind the wheel J). But God calls us to be His light in this dark world and the first recipients of that light ought to be our own spouses and children!

Read your children stories about Bible heroes such as Joseph who, seeing his life’s hardships through God’s perspective, extended kindness and forgiveness to the brothers who tried to kill him. The Bible is rich with such examples of everyday people who endured bad times. Some had a good response, others not so good. Both are teachable moments.

4.      Provide them with opportunities to succeed

Set them up to succeed, by encouraging activities or tasks you know your child can accomplish. Praise them when they do.

Then give them tasks that are a bit more of a challenge. Help them (don’t do it for them but with them) to learn and eventually accomplish what, at first seemed so hard. There is no greater confidence-builder than achieving what you thought you couldn’t do!

5.      Pray for your child

Finally, but most importantly, pray daily for your child. The devil prowls about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8) Children are not exempt from his attacks. Pray that God will protect your child from the evil one, that He will guard your child’s heart and mind so that he may emerge victorious and strong.

           

            Life is hard. It can build us up, or tear us down. As parents, we have a big challenge raising confident children in a world that is full of evil and unfairness. While we can’t change the world, we can influence the way they perceive themselves, their circumstances and their responses to those Charlie Brown moments.

            Pray for your children. Ask God to help them grow into men and women of God, whose response to life’s evils will be confidence in who they are as individuals and as children of the heavenly Father.