Dreams vs Expectations; What One Autism Mother Learned about Expectations

                When the phone rang that memorable day in February 2002, I hardly expected such incredible news. It was the doctor’s office. “Mrs. Srch, your pregnancy test was positive. Congratulations, you are expecting!”

                My husband and I had struggled several years to have children so that news did not come lightly. This was, undoubtedly, a miracle from God. I remember telling my husband the good news. We celebrated like we’d just won a multi-million dollar jackpot. Two years later, we received the same news, but this time we were expecting twins. Another miracle, doubled.

                It seems that as soon as we found out we were expecting, we starting planning our children’s futures. We had great dreams and expectations for our sons. They would be tall and handsome, just like their father. They would be straight-A students, attend good colleges, marry godly women and hold down steady jobs that provided for their families. The ‘healthy’ part we just assumed. Along with all the regular milestones most babies are expected to achieve within the first three years of their lives.

                Autism taught us an important lesson; expectations are the cornerstones of a house built upon the sand. It may look promising, even pleasant to the eye, but when reality hits, we find ourselves with nothing but bricks and mortar. William Shakespeare was right when he warned, “expectations are the root of all heartache.”

                “So am I never to dream or entertain hopes for my child’s future?” you might ask. “Should I not bother with aspirations and goals, and just sit back and let them do what they will?” Far be it from me to state such a claim. Dreams are good, as long as they are anchored in the realm of the possible. To dream that your child will one day become a knight who tames dragons is obviously foolishness. To dream your son will grow up to be a respectable citizen would be a productive aspiration for it is within your abilities to train up your child to obey and show kindness towards others.

                Let’s take a quick look at the definition of expectations vs the definition of dreams. An expectation is the anticipation of something occurring or reoccurring such as snowfall in the winter in Alaska. Expectation is also an assumption that a person will meet certain requirements, such as a baby crawling between 6 and 10 months. Most expectations are created by our own selves, based upon past experience or facts. Expectations are often founded on specifics over which we have no control. If your child isn’t crawling by 10 months of age, you might shrug it off as a slight delay in his or her development. When the child isn’t crawling by the time he’s two, those expectations turn into concern. Obviously, the child has something that is preventing him from accomplishing what most children would have achieved by now.

                Expectations are dangerous because, when they aren’t fulfilled, we most likely find ourselves disappointed or broken-hearted. Is it wrong to expect my toddler to be walking by the age of two? Absolutely not. But when that expectation is not met, do we grow angry at the child? Perish the thought! Good parents will seek a professional’s help in determining the cause of the delay. But what happens to the unmet expectation? It festers and chafes at the mind and heart, and eventually can turn into grief or even anger at God. Until we release those expectations and accept our child for who he or she is, then we risk finding ourselves headed towards despair.

                Dreams, on the other hand, are hopes born of a heart that desires the best for oneself or another person. Dreams are not rigid, like expectations, but yield to reality to allow growth and fulfillment. Most often, dreams encourage, stimulate and motivate. They are anchored in possibility rather than assumption.

                I fully expected our son Benjamin to develop at the same rate as his two brothers. When he didn’t, I found myself wondering if there was something wrong with him. After the initial denial, I sought the help of a pediatrician. Those words no mother ever wants to hear, “your son has autism,” were the sledgehammer that crumbled any expectations I’d built up. What would his future be like? Would he ever grow to be independent and live on his own? My expectations had been replaced by an ocean-full of questions and concerns. Slowly, I came to realize it wasn’t fair for me to place expectations on my son in the first place. So what if he never met society’s expectations as well as my own? He was beautiful just the way he was.

The older he grows, the more I’ve come to appreciate those qualities I’d never thought of expecting, such as his all-out, gut splitting laughter that fills our home, the encyclopedic mind that remembers more data, facts and dates than all five of us put together. I love the way he draws pictures with so much detail you almost have to use a magnifying glass. I love the way he tugs at my heart each time he curls up next to me, or lays his head on my shoulder, or grabs my hand to scratch his back. I love the way he follows the rules, the way he loves everyone equally, the “good-night, Mom” before he goes to bed each night, the way he snuggles with his cats and cares for each one of them, the way he shares with his brothers and the tender “poor Mom” when I’m not feeling well.

I could go on and on because he has far exceeded any expectations I had. He’s blown them to bits and created, instead, a future full of exciting anticipation. I can’t wait to see the man he becomes. Not because he will meet any goals or ambitions we might set for him, but because he is blossoming into a beautiful person in ways I would never have imagined!